Finding God and finding me
This post took so long to write. I wanted to write about my mission. I wanted to write about my coming home adjustments. I wanted to write EVERYTHING. But words are insufficient for the feelings I have about the past 18 months because those experiences were orchestrated by a Greater Being. So what I've written will have to suffice. I decided to begin with the infamous Returned Missionary dilemma a.k.a the "where's my nametag?!?!" breakdown.
How is it possible to live more than one life? To be two different people? Well, serving a mission makes all of these seem slightly more possible. The person I was before my mission is different from who I am now. It isn't a large difference but I have different desires, fears, strengths and weaknesses. As I re-entered my old life, I noticed quickly that I am not the same. I've change my education and career goals. I'm more able to take on challenges that terrified me before. I've let go of desires that no longer grab my attention. I no longer ink myself like an octopus when a stranger wants to talk to me. Haha. I'm different.
The world around me is different too. The world is always changing but we usually watch it change day by day. As a missionary I missed out on many big news stories, new scientific developments, and most media. Movies I used to like are old news, phrases I use are outdated and my family and friends are different. My world has changed and at first I felt like I didn't belong.
Don't worry. This has a very happy ending. Keep reading.
I had some adjustments to make. I got to wear pants almost EVERY DAY. I could sleep in. I had no bed time. I could be alone. I could watch movies (and for some reason I cry at every single one. My mission made me 150% more emotional than I used to be).
As well, more serious of an adjustment, was the big lifestyle change. I had to get a job. I didn't always have time to read from the scriptures for 2 hours everyday. I was expected to go dancing instead of tracting, talk about celebrities instead of religion. I felt like I was living on a lesser planet and I DID. NOT. like it. "Take me back to Cali!"
It has now been almost 4 months and I can safely say the emotional roller coaster has slowed down (the crying at movies has not, haha). One thing I had to learn that helped me adjust is that this is not my old life. Everything is different and that is okay. That's not just okay but it is good and normal. There is a dispute on whether mission life is reality and the rest of the world is fantasy or vice versa. But in the end it doesn't matter because THIS is the world I live in now and I have to adapt. Human beings are malleable creatures and I had to find my inner shape shifter and change to the reality that is NOW.
The main reason I am so different is because of my strengthened relationship with God. The center of my universe is Jesus Christ and the thing that makes my world go round is the Gospel. I came to really learn who I am, not in the world's eyes, but in God's eyes ( I like that view better). I learned how to be a better person, what my main goal in life is and how much incredible and unbelievable love and support I have from the other side of the veil. I came to truly know who Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father are and that knowledge changed me in ways I didn't know possible. I am forever grateful to my Heavenly Family for making me a better girl. Now I will return the favor and continue to share this knowledge with my friends and family back home.
My mission was, is and will always be a blessing. I will love those people for eternity and the things they taught me alongside the things I taught are now a part of who I am. I am better equipped to take on the world and I'm finally ready to do so. My life pre-mission and post-mission are two different lives. One was experiences preparing me to serve, the other is experiences that are a result of that service. Who I was before my mission and who I am now are two different people. One was searching for God, the other found Him.
-The former Sister Williams: Missionary
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