Along came a spider...

I hate spiders.

I've hated them most of my life, ever since a particularly scarring event that will not be shared over the internet. It was mortifying. It involved a gang of black widows with machetes.

Anyway, ever since that day, spiders have haunted, taunted and stalked me everywhere I go. Some of those run-ins are scary (like the black widow gang) and some are funny (like the spider that wasn't a spider...but a strand of my own hair). All are unique and strange. So I thought I would share some with the rest of the world.

     -once a spider flew in my car window and scared me so much that my oncoming sneeze disappeared.

     -I attempted to be brave and kill a spider (first mistake). I panicked and dropped the tissue when it moved and the spider is now hiding in one of my shoes. :(

     - I went to brush a piece of  lint off my arm as I awoke one morning…only to find it was a massive daddy long leg trotting across me like I was a mountain or something. Trespasser!

     -I went to pour a bowl of cereal only to find a spider already snacking on my Cheerios. Thief!

     -Went to grab some toilet paper but changed my mind quite quickly when I saw a big brown spider taking a nap on the TP roll.

That is just a preview of my life. Now let me give you some useful spider avoidance tips.

     1. Always check your bed before you climb into it. I don't mean pull up the covers, glance and jump right in. What are you, crazy?!?! Pull the blankets COMPLETELY off your bed, shake them, check under the bed with a flashlight, replace blankets and carefully slide in, paying special attention to any strange tickling on your legs. Also, probably always wear socks. You know what? No. Not good enough. Wash all your bedding just in case.

     2. Avoid buying rugs with lavish intricate patterns in dark colors. Spiders are notorious for crawling up on the rug, squatting down and waiting for you to walk by. Your poor little toes will never see it coming. White rugs are the best option when making a purchase. They're nasty little gremlins to clean, but you avoid the terror of surprise attacks, so...

3. Be aware that spiders love bathrooms. Who doesn't get scared in the bathroom? The shower, the toilet, under the sink. It's like a five star hotel for bugs. Shake the shower curtain, inspect the toilet paper roll, pour bleach down the drain and...just never reach under a bathroom sink for ANY reason. Ever.

You are now prepared to go live in the big scary world. Good luck young padawan.

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